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Heartfelt Disclosure on Maintaining Successful Marriage by Group of Divorced Men.

A group of recent divorced individuals were interviewed and the result was a list of 20 most critical, easy to follow secrets of maintaining a successful marriage. General consensus is that a divorced men would hardly be able to give any good advice on being a better husband, but these men have been through enough hardship to know which battles to choose and fight for. As they say, what doesn’t kills you makes you stronger and wiser. So here you go:

1) Never stop dating: Don’t take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in reciprocating your love.

2) Pay Attention to what your Heart Desires: Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change so will your S/O. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. She is not bound to stay with you, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5) It’s NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX Her: Your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6) Full ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s NOT your wife’s job to make you happy, and she can’t make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7)Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she is sad or upset, its not your job to fix it, its your job to HOLD HER and let her know its ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and un-judging she will trust you and open her soul to you. Don’t run away when she opens up to you at an emotional level you’ve never seen before. Don’t be scared. Women have multiple ranges of emotions which comes out in different situations. Stand present and strong and let her know you are’nt going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

8) Never BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

9) Don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10) Learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11) Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12) Increase the sexual vibe: Carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13) Don’t BE AN IDIOT: don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You are not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14) Space between both of you is equally important: The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15) BE VULNERABLE – Show that you’re as much vulnerable as her. Don’t pretend to have to have it all together all the time. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16) BE TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share it all. Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17) Strive to Grow Together: The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18) Tackle financial problems together: Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19) FORGIVE often and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time. These were the lessons Learned the hard way which can help a lot of people who feel like they’re on that edge with their marriage.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in their pain, share it with those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love.

Source: divorce.lovetoknow.com

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-ArtsyFact

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